WickedFrost is an insufferable douche.

You'd be shocked at the marriage proposals and other such nonsense I've received over the years. Seriously. I'm not even counting the in-game, online 14 year old boys trying to get free stuff. I'm talking legit - stalkeresque - women trying to wrangle me away from Mrs. Wikky.

It happens in real life too.

Which entertains the fuck out of me - because I'm not a bad looking guy and I certainly have the money to compensate for wherever I might be lacking. Here's the thing - women really didn't start paying attention to me seriously until I got married.

True story: I'm shopping at a store. This woman walks buy. Checks out my hand. Sees the ring and starts chatting me up. She didn't even bother to check out my magnificent ass.

Here's what I find entertaining about it all - the assumption is that because I'm married I'm worth having. Or perhaps I'm some sort of unassailable trophy to collect.

I can tell you this - dear women who e-mail me - I'm never leaving Mrs. Wikky and in the event that I were single again I don't think I'd marry.

Because marriage is very hard.

Not because of monogamy. Or not liking it. Or anything bad.

It's because I find it so incredibly hard to keep from hurting Mrs. Wikky. Not physically nor deliberately. But because my personality and intellect are such that it is very easy to overwhelm hers. I am the bear and she is the butterfly. And she is a beautiful, strong and confident person - certainly not taking anything away from her.

But I walk through this world each day trying not to step on people. It's very hard - especially with the person you spend the majority of your time with.

Each day I am confronted with the reality of being able to break her emotionally - and restraining instinct and desire and being wary of missteps to keep her safe from me.

In many ways that limits who I can be. Even she is not allowed to see this side of me because I keep it locked away. I sacrifice through restraint because of love. I wouldn't do that for anyone else.

So what I'm saying is stop e-mailing me. The guy that Mrs. Wikky got who is worth having is not available to anyone else. If there was ever a Mrs. Wikky II she's going to inherit an insufferable douche.

#justsayin

- W

Decisions, decisions, decisions...

First world problem. Mrs. Wikky and I are having a little bit of a conflict over which vehicle to drive later this week. We're going on another little camping trip but before we can go I've got to attend a few meetings and she's got to finish her work day.

I'm done first but I've got to drive about an hour to get to the meetings and then I'm going to go on to the campsite and set up. She's going to come later.

Here's where the conflict comes: we have two vehicles. Mrs. Wikky likes to drive one of them. Generally I don't care which vehicle I drive but in order to bring everything that we're going to need for camping I'm going to need the one she likes. Not only that: if I take the other vehicle there won't be enough space for the Wiklets.

The obvious decision is to let me drive the comfortable vehicle and for Mrs. Wikky to drive the car she doesn't like. RIGHT?!?

Here's the proposal that Mrs. Wikky comes up with today:

I drive an hour to my meetings. Then I drive an hour back and pick up 1 Wiklet and fill the car with as much camping gear as will fit. Then I can go to the campsite (which is 2 hours away in the same direction as my meetings) and set everything that I have up. Then Mrs. Wikky will drive her favorite vehicle bringing the rest with her a number of hours later and I can finish setting up when she gets there.

#areyoufreakingkiddingme

When you read something like this you think to yourself: "I'd never..." and before you finish that sentence in your mind I just want to say:

Yes, you damn well would.

You would make unreasonable demands on your spouse or you would let them get away with it. That's just the way marriage works. Give and take. Altruism and selfishness.

Ain't love grand?

The Last Temptation of WickedFrost

"Good men don't need rules. Today is not the day to find out why I have so many." - The Doctor,
A Good Man Goes To War

Being a pseudepigraphal internet personality comes with its blessings and curses. One of those curses is that you are often flattened out into 2 dimensions or narrowed to the black and white universe of pixels and fonts.

I'm a white hat. A white knight. A generally good and moral guy. At least, in my experience, that's how people tend to think about me. In a lot of ways I hope that's who I am as a character but also in real life.

Moral. Good. Upstanding. All those things that sound nice when people describe you. Humble too. It's my greatest quality.

The problem with that flattening out of identity is that it doesn't really give you a clear picture of who I am. I like doing the right thing. I try to do the right thing.

That doesn't mean that I always do - or that I don't get tempted.

A few days ago - I was tempted.

As I wrote before I've got a good marriage. Wiklets aplenty. I have no reason to complain, or to look elsewhere, or to sign up for an Ashley Madison account. It's built right into my moral code of honour: don't commit adultery. Heck, it's even Biblical.

Then there's Vicki.

She's married too. Husband's a great guy. Fantastic kids. Their whole family is our whole family's best friends. And she and I are great friends. We have pretty much everything in common. Life experiences. Likes. Dislikes. Political ideologies. Taste in music. It would disturb many of you to know that there is another me out there with ovaries and not quite as great a backside.

But we're just friends.

To which many columnists will write: there's no such thing as just friends between men and women. Emotional affairs and all. Frankly I think most of that "relationship advice" is just pandering to the insecurities that men and women have in their relationships and said articles are clickbait that generate far more revenue than the opinions are worth.

Because Vicki and I are great friends - but she's nowhere close to the bond that Mrs. Wikky and I share. We can talk 90s grunge music while reminiscing about band camp - but that's where it ends.

Here's the thing. The other night we're attending a function together. She and hers. Me and mine. It's getting late and both of our spouses decided to call it a night. Vicki and I weren't tired so we stayed up - sat on the beach - watched the stars.

Beautiful. The moonlight on her face. A few glasses of some very good red wine in our bellies. Temptation. Blood boiling temptation.

I leaned in. Said goodnight. And went back to my room.

Here's the question: would I yield?

Absolutely yes. Of course I would. I am not a paragon of virtue. I would hope that after all of these years that nobody would consider me to be one. Vicki was tempted too. We've had this conversation before. Great friends with so much in common and my impeccable ass? She would too.

But we don't. And we won't.

There is no game being played here. No coy dance of moths hovering too close to the flame just waiting for the fire to erupt. We have a rule. Not with each other ever.

I sure wanted to though.

That's a part of who I am too. I'm not a good man.

- W

What I did on my summer vacation. (NSFW-ish)

Thanks all for the kind words following yesterday's post. It was a hard one to write but your kindness means the world to me.

The posts won't all be sad though. I'm trying to share as much as myself as I can as honestly and as openly as possible. To know me you have to know that pain - you also need to know my joy.

Like the vacation I just got back from.

I went to the ocean which is something everyone should do if they have the opportunity. Not the coasts that are pocked with resorts and cottages - but rugged cliffs and rock faces and barely touched, remote beaches that you have to hike in to access.

There is no greater religion than the relentless crashing of waves under a deep, starry sky. It humbles the soul when you ponder both the vast expanses of the universe and the unstoppable power of the sea all at the same time.

What I found particularly beautiful was watching a storm roll in on what was a clear sky. It came from a distance. Small flashes on the horizon that grew into chains of lightning through the clouds and striking the waters.

As the storm approached there came the point where safety became an issue and we retreated to the tent. The sounds and lights were magnificent through the nylon walls.

We made love then - Mrs. Wikky and me. As the world seemed to rapture around us. Rain and wind tore at the tent the sea pounded the coast. And we defied the tempest. The earth. The sky. The sea. Nothing compared to the cataclysm of the flesh.

We fell asleep in each others arms. Her head on my chest. Her breathing slowing as she recovered from the passionate embrace. The universe in all its grandeur is nothing compared to her. Her heart beating silencing the thunder. Her moans rising above the winds.

I'm always entertained by the sexual bravado of the young. As though the first times are the best that they will ever be.

One day they'll figure it out - the intimate knowledge of one anothers' bodies coupled with years of practice and the experience to make the event of love memorable. The awkward fumbling of young people who have no idea what they're doing is not even close to love in the decades making.

I have a great marriage. We've survived a lot. We've survived me which is quite the accomplishment.

To know me is to know this part of me too. Love. Sex. Marriage. I promised you a window into the soul unfiltered. This is what the journey is going to be like.

W.

WickedFrost died.

A tragic curtain hanging accident. One of the leading causes of death in the Endless-Online community.

Obviously the title is click bait for the twitters and the facebook feed as I'm obviously not dead - but there was a time when I decided to kill the character. There was a period of nearly 2 years where I didn't come anywhere near the community. I deleted every account connected to WickedFrost. I gave away the game account. I got rid of the Endless Report.

When people asked me why I left I responded with the same bullshit. I got bored. I wanted to get away. Real life was busy. The game was dying.

None of that was really true.

I left because my daughter died. There are a few tears flowing as I type this because even though it was a couple of years ago - it doesn't go away. The people who tell you that time heals all wounds have never been wounded. Time gives you coping skills. You don't heal.

I've always been coy and vague in my reference to children. The Wiklets. There are 5. I buried one.

WickedFrost died that day. A lot of people died that day.

I did. A little bit. Hope. Optimism. Caring for other people. The world. The future. There was just pain and work which put the pain away for a little while. That's all I could do. I didn't know how to do anything else.

Routine. Formula. Which actually made me really, really good at my job. It's an amazingly sad reality for a writer when you realize that creativity is worth jack shit in a market economy that targets the broadest, most profitable demographic.

It's like when the Rock pops out from his Hollywood lifestyle - pops a crowd at a WWE event - and sings his greatest hits. "Finally, the Rock has come back for a PAAAAAAYCHECK!" and he gets it.

I was dead inside. I had no urge to create because one of the only things that I created that ever mattered - she was taken away. So I just did what I knew how to do - and they heaped the praise because money.

But there was nothing left of me outside of that. The work let me mindlessly avoid feeling. Feeling sucked. It also meant that I didn't spend time on things that I enjoyed.

Enjoyment. For a father who lost his daughter. I should say that there is nothing that I could have done to prevent her death. It was a medical inevitability and not failure. Still - try telling yourself that and see if it makes you feel like any less of a failure.

I couldn't enjoy anything. Enjoyment meant feeling something. Feeling something meant feeling anything. Feeling anything brought me back to her.

And I was angry.

I didn't feel the anger. I was the anger. There is a type of rage that exists that goes beyond normal descriptors for anger. It is the kind of rage that wants to destroy in the hope that perhaps in taking away from someone else you will at some universal scale not be alone in your grief.

But you can't do that sort of thing in real life. Or you shouldn't. Four Wiklets needed their father. Mrs. Wikky needed her husband. The place of employment needed its feature.

I needed someone to kill. I wanted to kill myself. I killed WickedFrost instead.

Weird. Virtual suicide.

That's what it was. WickedFrost for me was an avenue for feeling - enjoyment in the gaming community. Creativity - as the character was an outlet I used for writers block when I was trying to pound out a masterpiece from the keyboard and couldn't find the words. Myself - as a proxy for the punishment that I felt that I should have received instead of it being meted out on an infant daughter who did nothing on her own to deserve it. It must have been some sin of mine being punished.

So I killed him. Walked away. Dead to all joy.

That's how WickedFrost died.

Fortunately the internet is a great big metaphorical soap opera in which dead characters can come back to life with relative ease. That's what brings us here. There's a reason that I don't let go of this community. It's because it represents for me the journey of healing, forgiveness, resurrection. I honour her by living - and one of the ways that I live is through this character that I killed.

Now I know that the moment I hit publish - I've opened myself up to the trolls - I think I'm prepared for that. Actually - I think there's something profoundly life worthy in doing that: allowing yourself to be hurt - because every time you feel something it is a reminder that you can feel anything.

And when you can feel anything. You can feel love.

W.

Serious Wikky is Serious

I'm changing things up here.

I've had the blog as my outlet for Endless-Online stuff for nearly a decade and it's been a fun ride and an amazing experience. The reality is that there really is nothing left to write that couldn't be covered in a tweet.

So that's what I do. I haven't written anything of substance here in a long time and perhaps I haven't written anything of substance here ever.

It leaves me with a few options. Keep doing not much of anything with this blog, torch the shit out of it, or perhaps I can use it for something else.

I've decided on the latter.

WickedFrost as an outlet for creativity is something that I find tremendous value in. The ability to write without the usual filter of editors and marketing departments telling you to write what sells. The anonymity of character that allows for discourse without consequence.

Not that I've used the anonymity as an excuse to be hateful or vile or unthinking. That's not how I roll. It does, however, let me travel down avenues of thought, test boundaries, and question assumptions in a way that I can't in whatever it is we mean by real life.

Thus WickedFrost will continue to live.

But he's going to change a little bit.

I'm going to be writing about me. The guy behind WickedFrost. The thing that I hope will differentiate this from your average blog is that I'm going to leave the filters off and use the anonymity of character to try to give you an accurate window into how I see the world around me.

I'm going to write about marriage and children and friendships and work and struggles and joys. I don't know if it's going to be interesting or not. I don't even know if anyone is going to read it or not. That's never really mattered. The blog is for me and if you're joining me for the journey then welcome aboard.

I will, of course, blur some details to keep things safe and anonymous. There's no way around that. But the emotions, the thought processes, the experiences are going to be 100% real.

So here I go...

Have I really not posted since 2014?

Wow.

I'm still alive. You probably already know that.

What's going on with me? Major life transitions: New career. New directions. It's a whirlwind and it's awesome. There is something very nice about being able to chart your own course. Work hard. Invest smart. Now I'm able to do some of the things I really want to.

And I can continue to tool around online which makes me happy too.

So what am I up to as WickedFrost?

Well - there's #projectmoonie https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCGL6MW4TNX987f-gH5eN-Bg

Subscribe to her channel. It's going to be good.

I'm continuing to put out content on my channel. http://www.youtube.com/princewikky

Windows 10 is coming out tomorrow which means I'll be holed up with a few gallons of water and snack food. 7 computers to update plus networks, drivers, printers.

Anyways - talk to my bot on the right hand side. He's lonely. Subscribe to the aforementioned channels.

Be good to each other.

- W